It makes sense. When you know the camera's there, you can choose what to show and what not to show.
[ He gets this, too. How acting had been a natural choice, for Allison, the moment she left the Academy. She'd had so much practice already, tailoring her behavior and every expression to what was wanted by an exacting and unpleasable audience. Ben can see it so clearly. ]
I think we just took two separate paths. You got good at showing what he wanted to see, and I just tried to make myself not show anything at all.
[ Ben thinks Allison will know what he means. How over the years he got quieter and quieter, more internal, more closed-off. He stopped playing, stopped asking questions, stopped expressing curiosity. Spent more of his time burying his face into books and going days without speaking. He can remember the times Allison had tried to coax the fun back out of him. Sometimes she would succeed and he would forget all about all of it and just be full of joy again. Sometimes, no one coaxed at all, but the uglier emotions would spill out. Ben would go from calm and blank and seemingly fine to blackly depressed and despairing in no time flat, without any sign of escalation. ]
We're not going to let anyone use us, here. We have each other, and we're not kids anymore. And it's not your fault, that you know what it takes. You never had a choice not to know that.
[ The same way Ben had never had a choice not to know all the many and creative ways the human body could be torn apart. He'd never had a choice not to know how easy it was to crack bone and rip off limbs. It's just what they were taught. ]
no subject
[ He gets this, too. How acting had been a natural choice, for Allison, the moment she left the Academy. She'd had so much practice already, tailoring her behavior and every expression to what was wanted by an exacting and unpleasable audience. Ben can see it so clearly. ]
I think we just took two separate paths. You got good at showing what he wanted to see, and I just tried to make myself not show anything at all.
[ Ben thinks Allison will know what he means. How over the years he got quieter and quieter, more internal, more closed-off. He stopped playing, stopped asking questions, stopped expressing curiosity. Spent more of his time burying his face into books and going days without speaking. He can remember the times Allison had tried to coax the fun back out of him. Sometimes she would succeed and he would forget all about all of it and just be full of joy again. Sometimes, no one coaxed at all, but the uglier emotions would spill out. Ben would go from calm and blank and seemingly fine to blackly depressed and despairing in no time flat, without any sign of escalation. ]
We're not going to let anyone use us, here. We have each other, and we're not kids anymore.
And it's not your fault, that you know what it takes. You never had a choice not to know that.
[ The same way Ben had never had a choice not to know all the many and creative ways the human body could be torn apart. He'd never had a choice not to know how easy it was to crack bone and rip off limbs. It's just what they were taught. ]
Doesn't make you a bad person.