It makes sense. When you know the camera's there, you can choose what to show and what not to show.
[ He gets this, too. How acting had been a natural choice, for Allison, the moment she left the Academy. She'd had so much practice already, tailoring her behavior and every expression to what was wanted by an exacting and unpleasable audience. Ben can see it so clearly. ]
I think we just took two separate paths. You got good at showing what he wanted to see, and I just tried to make myself not show anything at all.
[ Ben thinks Allison will know what he means. How over the years he got quieter and quieter, more internal, more closed-off. He stopped playing, stopped asking questions, stopped expressing curiosity. Spent more of his time burying his face into books and going days without speaking. He can remember the times Allison had tried to coax the fun back out of him. Sometimes she would succeed and he would forget all about all of it and just be full of joy again. Sometimes, no one coaxed at all, but the uglier emotions would spill out. Ben would go from calm and blank and seemingly fine to blackly depressed and despairing in no time flat, without any sign of escalation. ]
We're not going to let anyone use us, here. We have each other, and we're not kids anymore. And it's not your fault, that you know what it takes. You never had a choice not to know that.
[ The same way Ben had never had a choice not to know all the many and creative ways the human body could be torn apart. He'd never had a choice not to know how easy it was to crack bone and rip off limbs. It's just what they were taught. ]
[ allison, on her end, breathes a little sigh of relief, glad that ben understands what she's saying, that she doesn't have to explain herself anymore. and allison knows what ben means, too. she remembers that silence, that withdrawal. how it was worse after "missions," and after "training." how, eventually, a younger allison took it to mean that ben probably didn't want to talk to her, didn't really like her that much. after all, if her own father couldn't really love her, only "the rumor," a fiction, a character he created, then maybe ben couldn't, either. maybe nobody could, or would. so it became all about perfecting the rumor, perfecting that persona. making sure she had the right pose, the right hair, the right look, the right precision. and, in the process, as a way of coping, ensuring that allison and the rumor were two separate entities. one was a person, the other was a role. if no one could love the person, at least someone might be entertained by the role.
allison, in this moment, is finally a little glad that they're having this conversation. it's so, so hard, but so necessary. they're talking about hard things from the past, and unlike that conversation in the cabin, no one is getting angry, or yelling, or pleading, or hurting each other. ]
You're right, we're not. That's a promise. You and I and Klaus have had enough of that.
[ ben might be right that it's not allison's fault for being a liar, a manipulator as a child. she was a child then, and things were different. more responsibility rested on reginald, then.
but afterwards? as an adult? allison was still that person, and she carries those mistakes, that knowledge with her even now. so she can't believe that she's not a bad person. she's believed that about herself for so many years, and while ben's text is appreciated, it doesn't really change how she feels, not yet. ]
Not the knowledge, maybe. I guess what makes a person good or bad is what they do with it, when they finally have the choice.
[ it's too much for allison to name herself here, but the implication there is that she made the wrong choices. that she is that bad person, and that even if she tries to make up for those mistakes, there will be some part of her that always will be. ]
Do you feel like you've been making the wrong choices?
[ Ben isn't going to offer Allison some blanket reassurance that she's never abused her power, that she hasn't misused it in big and small ways that aren't exactly ethical. That wouldn't comfort her, and he is fairly sure it wouldn't be true: at least not for Allison in years gone by.
What he can do is tell her the truth. ]
I already told you I was there, after Dad died. Most of the time, if Klaus was there, I was there. And I think, based on what I saw, you're making the right choices these days. Even if you didn't in the past, you're trying to be a better person now. That matters. A lot.
[ allison know she could cop out here. she could just lie, tell ben that sure, she regrets some stuff from her past (who doesn't?) but that she feels okay about everything now. a big part of her wants to do just that, but she also knows that ben could have done that too, at several points in this conversation. but he didn't. at the very least, allison owes him that respect. ]
Sometimes.
[ she should have never tried to rumor vanya out of that cabin, not while vanya was so vulnerable. that's the most recent regret, but it's also only the tip of the iceberg. ]
What I do know is that I've made some really awful ones, and those I can't make right.
[ and then, her biggest fear: ] What I do now is probably too little, too late.
[ allison isn't sure how to respond to ben's last message. part of her wants to cry, wants to tell him he's wrong, he's wrong, if he only knew. and part of her wants to simply thank him. for being here now. which might be more than what she deserves. after a few moments, she manages: ]
Thanks.
[ worried that that's too sparse, too cold, she adds: ]
Nobody makes the right choices all the time. If they did they wouldn't be human.
I don't believe in too late. And I don't think you're doing too little.
I wouldn't just say that to you if it weren't true. Trust me. Or ask Klaus. I know I wasn't always like this but turns out being dead made me into kind of a judgy hard-ass. If I ever think you're fucking up or not doing enough, believe me - I'll tell you in no uncertain terms.
There's a lot of stuff none of us can ever atone for. A lot lives ruined. A lot of blood on our hands. But that doesn't mean we get to give up and not try.
[ allison lets all the messages come through, lets them sink in. she isn't sure how to respond to the first part. ben has a faith in her that allison thinks she doesn't deserve, and even though ben might be the hardest ass around, now, that doesn't mean he knows the full extent of what she's done. he might think differently if he had.
so she responds to the last part, and writes what klaus probably didn't say as often: ]
You're right.
I'd rather spend the rest of my life trying, if that's what it takes.
[ it's better than the alternative. better than continuing to hurt everyone around her, better than making wishes not to be alone, only to be driven further and further into a different kind of isolation.
then she adds, because this conversation is difficult, and both she and ben could use some lightness right now: ]
I don't think you can chalk it up to just being dead, though. No one reads multiple depressing 600 page novels without getting a little judgy.
[ Reading that, Ben feels - not for the first time - so proud of his sister that he might burst at the seams. Maybe he and Allison hadn't been able to see eye to eye when they were young and trapped together in such an intensely stressful environment, but Ben is so glad they have this opportunity to connect as adults. He really does like the person she has turned out to be. ]
Me, too. I intend to keep on trying, and if you ever see me slipping up, I don't want you to pull any punches, either.
[ The lightness is GREATLY appreciated. Ben actually laughs out loud, and rolls his eyes: ]
Those 600 page novels were the only thing that kept me sane. They taught me more about how to be a good person than anything else in my life.
[ that's a promise, one allison won't have any trouble keeping. it's nice to know that she and ben are in this together -- they're a team again, and this time, part of a healthy team, one that's going to do some actual good, instead of imploding on itself and destroying the world in the process. besides, allison's generally been pretty good about speaking up, has been since she was young. ]
Mmm, guess I can understand that. Same with Teen Trend, honestly, except instead of giving me a moral compass I got absolutely rockin' hair care tips. So just as useful, really.
[ allison chuckles on her end, too. ]
I bet you one read through of a book of your choice that you couldn't get through one issue of a magazine of mine!
Oh hell yes, are you kidding me? I will TAKE that bet.
[ Would Ben read something like that under his own steam? Probably not. But Allison has tapped into that primal sibling reflex of needing to prove your sister wrong when she says you couldn't do something. It's on now. It's so freaking on. ]
You find a magazine and you can sit there and watch, I'll go cover to cover and then you're gonna have to read some Chekov.
[ He's not cruel! He's not going to pick something long! She should be grateful, since obviously he's going to crush this little bet or theirs. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ He gets this, too. How acting had been a natural choice, for Allison, the moment she left the Academy. She'd had so much practice already, tailoring her behavior and every expression to what was wanted by an exacting and unpleasable audience. Ben can see it so clearly. ]
I think we just took two separate paths. You got good at showing what he wanted to see, and I just tried to make myself not show anything at all.
[ Ben thinks Allison will know what he means. How over the years he got quieter and quieter, more internal, more closed-off. He stopped playing, stopped asking questions, stopped expressing curiosity. Spent more of his time burying his face into books and going days without speaking. He can remember the times Allison had tried to coax the fun back out of him. Sometimes she would succeed and he would forget all about all of it and just be full of joy again. Sometimes, no one coaxed at all, but the uglier emotions would spill out. Ben would go from calm and blank and seemingly fine to blackly depressed and despairing in no time flat, without any sign of escalation. ]
We're not going to let anyone use us, here. We have each other, and we're not kids anymore.
And it's not your fault, that you know what it takes. You never had a choice not to know that.
[ The same way Ben had never had a choice not to know all the many and creative ways the human body could be torn apart. He'd never had a choice not to know how easy it was to crack bone and rip off limbs. It's just what they were taught. ]
Doesn't make you a bad person.
no subject
[ allison, on her end, breathes a little sigh of relief, glad that ben understands what she's saying, that she doesn't have to explain herself anymore. and allison knows what ben means, too. she remembers that silence, that withdrawal. how it was worse after "missions," and after "training." how, eventually, a younger allison took it to mean that ben probably didn't want to talk to her, didn't really like her that much. after all, if her own father couldn't really love her, only "the rumor," a fiction, a character he created, then maybe ben couldn't, either. maybe nobody could, or would. so it became all about perfecting the rumor, perfecting that persona. making sure she had the right pose, the right hair, the right look, the right precision. and, in the process, as a way of coping, ensuring that allison and the rumor were two separate entities. one was a person, the other was a role. if no one could love the person, at least someone might be entertained by the role.
allison, in this moment, is finally a little glad that they're having this conversation. it's so, so hard, but so necessary. they're talking about hard things from the past, and unlike that conversation in the cabin, no one is getting angry, or yelling, or pleading, or hurting each other. ]
You're right, we're not. That's a promise. You and I and Klaus have had enough of that.
[ ben might be right that it's not allison's fault for being a liar, a manipulator as a child. she was a child then, and things were different. more responsibility rested on reginald, then.
but afterwards? as an adult? allison was still that person, and she carries those mistakes, that knowledge with her even now. so she can't believe that she's not a bad person. she's believed that about herself for so many years, and while ben's text is appreciated, it doesn't really change how she feels, not yet. ]
Not the knowledge, maybe. I guess what makes a person good or bad is what they do with it, when they finally have the choice.
[ it's too much for allison to name herself here, but the implication there is that she made the wrong choices. that she is that bad person, and that even if she tries to make up for those mistakes, there will be some part of her that always will be. ]
no subject
Do you feel like you've been making the wrong choices?
[ Ben isn't going to offer Allison some blanket reassurance that she's never abused her power, that she hasn't misused it in big and small ways that aren't exactly ethical. That wouldn't comfort her, and he is fairly sure it wouldn't be true: at least not for Allison in years gone by.
What he can do is tell her the truth. ]
I already told you I was there, after Dad died. Most of the time, if Klaus was there, I was there. And I think, based on what I saw, you're making the right choices these days. Even if you didn't in the past, you're trying to be a better person now. That matters. A lot.
[ A moment passes, and another message follows: ]
I'm really proud of you for trying.
no subject
Sometimes.
[ she should have never tried to rumor vanya out of that cabin, not while vanya was so vulnerable. that's the most recent regret, but it's also only the tip of the iceberg. ]
What I do know is that I've made some really awful ones, and those I can't make right.
[ and then, her biggest fear: ] What I do now is probably too little, too late.
[ allison isn't sure how to respond to ben's last message. part of her wants to cry, wants to tell him he's wrong, he's wrong, if he only knew. and part of her wants to simply thank him. for being here now. which might be more than what she deserves. after a few moments, she manages: ]
Thanks.
[ worried that that's too sparse, too cold, she adds: ]
I mean that. What you said, it means a lot.
no subject
I don't believe in too late. And I don't think you're doing too little.
I wouldn't just say that to you if it weren't true. Trust me. Or ask Klaus. I know I wasn't always like this but turns out being dead made me into kind of a judgy hard-ass.
If I ever think you're fucking up or not doing enough, believe me - I'll tell you in no uncertain terms.
There's a lot of stuff none of us can ever atone for. A lot lives ruined. A lot of blood on our hands. But that doesn't mean we get to give up and not try.
no subject
so she responds to the last part, and writes what klaus probably didn't say as often: ]
You're right.
I'd rather spend the rest of my life trying, if that's what it takes.
[ it's better than the alternative. better than continuing to hurt everyone around her, better than making wishes not to be alone, only to be driven further and further into a different kind of isolation.
then she adds, because this conversation is difficult, and both she and ben could use some lightness right now: ]
I don't think you can chalk it up to just being dead, though. No one reads multiple depressing 600 page novels without getting a little judgy.
no subject
Me, too. I intend to keep on trying, and if you ever see me slipping up, I don't want you to pull any punches, either.
[ The lightness is GREATLY appreciated. Ben actually laughs out loud, and rolls his eyes: ]
Those 600 page novels were the only thing that kept me sane. They taught me more about how to be a good person than anything else in my life.
no subject
[ that's a promise, one allison won't have any trouble keeping. it's nice to know that she and ben are in this together -- they're a team again, and this time, part of a healthy team, one that's going to do some actual good, instead of imploding on itself and destroying the world in the process. besides, allison's generally been pretty good about speaking up, has been since she was young. ]
Mmm, guess I can understand that. Same with Teen Trend, honestly, except instead of giving me a moral compass I got absolutely rockin' hair care tips. So just as useful, really.
[ allison chuckles on her end, too. ]
I bet you one read through of a book of your choice that you couldn't get through one issue of a magazine of mine!
no subject
[ Would Ben read something like that under his own steam? Probably not. But Allison has tapped into that primal sibling reflex of needing to prove your sister wrong when she says you couldn't do something. It's on now. It's so freaking on. ]
You find a magazine and you can sit there and watch, I'll go cover to cover and then you're gonna have to read some Chekov.
[ He's not cruel! He's not going to pick something long! She should be grateful, since obviously he's going to crush this little bet or theirs. ]
no subject
Oh yeah? Deal.
Prepare to lose, nerd. 😘💄💅🤧🤡👑💖