['I knew about the pills already.' From the second those words appear on his screen, they repeat in his head, over and over and over again, like a skipping record he can't turn off.
Of course Ben knew. Of course Diego was the last to know.
He wishes things like that didn't bother him the way they do. But it does. It crawls under his skin and burns into his bones. So small. So throw-away. It shouldn't matter. He knows now, and that should be what counts, but it isn't, it never can be enough just to know, eventually, because every time, all it does is reel back to--
'Not quick enough, Number Two'
'Try harder, Number Two.'
'Speak, Number Two.'
'Maybe next time, Number Two.'
and a slew of others in a long line of incessant remarks of his inadequacy. It was something their father had drilled into him so much and so hard, that even though he'd left as early as he had, he still never managed to shake it.
But. At least he can tamp it down, bite it back and not react immediately on it. Sometimes, at least. And now is thankfully one of those times.]
It doesn't feel like it's just the addiction talking. Okay, consider it done. I know. It's gonna be a big temptation, and he's already gone and fucked with it once.
[ Ben, meanwhile, has no sense at all that being the last to hear about the pills would upset Diego, or set off those old insecurities. To him, it had been the obvious choice, not to pass that information along. Klaus had told Ben because that's the way things have been for so many years, and Ben hadn't told Diego because he wanted to spare him.
So he has no clue, of the turmoil in his brother's mind. Which is perhaps a good thing, since he would perhaps not have as much patience for it right now as he ought to. Klaus is in crisis and who gets to help clean up his mess isn't something to compete over. ]
He doesn't hate you, Diego. Trust me. Klaus has told me he hates me so many times I've completely lost count. The addiction hates you for getting in its way. And Klaus hates himself for disappointing you, but it hurts less to tell himself that you're the only one he's mad it. It won't last. It never does.
Fuck this. I actually thought he was doing better.
[ Joke's on Ben. ]
If he went out and got high that quick it wasn't just ease of access. It doesn't work like that. (I've had to sit through a lot of rehab.) He must have been sad or fucked up in some way that was building and we didn't see it.
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From the second those words appear on his screen, they repeat in his head, over and over and over again, like a skipping record he can't turn off.
Of course Ben knew.
Of course Diego was the last to know.
He wishes things like that didn't bother him the way they do. But it does. It crawls under his skin and burns into his bones. So small. So throw-away. It shouldn't matter. He knows now, and that should be what counts, but it isn't, it never can be enough just to know, eventually, because every time, all it does is reel back to--and a slew of others in a long line of incessant remarks of his inadequacy. It was something their father had drilled into him so much and so hard, that even though he'd left as early as he had, he still never managed to shake it.
But.
At least he can tamp it down, bite it back and not react immediately on it. Sometimes, at least. And now is thankfully one of those times.]
It doesn't feel like it's just the addiction talking.
Okay, consider it done.
I know. It's gonna be a big temptation, and he's already gone and fucked with it once.
no subject
So he has no clue, of the turmoil in his brother's mind. Which is perhaps a good thing, since he would perhaps not have as much patience for it right now as he ought to. Klaus is in crisis and who gets to help clean up his mess isn't something to compete over. ]
He doesn't hate you, Diego. Trust me. Klaus has told me he hates me so many times I've completely lost count.
The addiction hates you for getting in its way.
And Klaus hates himself for disappointing you, but it hurts less to tell himself that you're the only one he's mad it.
It won't last. It never does.
Fuck this.
I actually thought he was doing better.
[ Joke's on Ben. ]
If he went out and got high that quick it wasn't just ease of access.
It doesn't work like that.
(I've had to sit through a lot of rehab.)
He must have been sad or fucked up in some way that was building and we didn't see it.