[ There is the initial thrill of shock and worry and fear, followed by little flashes of indifference and resentment and terror and sadness and boredom. Of course, Diego is coming to him with this. Of course, Klaus went to hang out with some random creep who got high intentionally off a new and unknown threat. Of course all this happens when he was just starting to feel okay and stable. ]
Welcome to my life for the last decade and a half.
[ It's not Diego's fault he's been in this position a lot fewer times than Ben. It's not Klaus's fault he's an addict. It's not anyone's fault but that doesn't stop Ben feeling angry. ]
Are you asking for advice or are you asking for me to handle it so you don't have to? Just want to be clear.
No, just advice. You don't have to do anything. I'm just... I don't know what I'm doing. I thought.
[He hadn't really thought about how it might be received on Ben's side. From Ben's perspective. How long he'd been stuck in so many similar situations and how awful that might have been to deal with. The anger is obvious, even in texts, and it snapped something in half in Diego, chastising him in a way he didn't know his brother could manage.
Or maybe it had just been so long since he'd had Ben around to be angry at him that he forgot what it was like.]
[ Ben knows he is being unfair, can feel it happening, his anger at Klaus and the whole situation redirected at Diego, but he can't seem to stop himself. Part of him wants to just text 'not it' and hide away and wait for the chips to land where they may. But he would never really be able to do that. He loves his brothers too much to fully withdraw. ]
I don't know why you think I would know what I was doing, either. I obviously never made a difference even though I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried.
[ Ben takes a deep breath and tries to find his chill. He doesn't, but he comes up with a plan: ]
No, I'm not gonna abandon you like that. You said he's with Julie - where are you? We should strategize. Not over text.
I don't think it's abandoning me, if you just don't wanna deal with something you've dealt with a billion times, Ben. But... nowhere. Just- the quad. Text isn't the worst.
[In some instances, he prefers it, actually, thanks.]
[ An odd sort of calm is coming over him - that mix of bitterness and resignation and nihilism and straightforwardness that he knows well from all Klaus's various crises and overdoses and relapses and bad choices. ]
You're right. Texting me was the right call. Sorry I snapped.
Do you not want me to come there? We can text if you want.
Talk to me. You said you guys got into it... what happened?
[He really, really does. It's not much a comparison, it was still so few and far between, but of all the rest of their siblings, besides Ben, Diego might be the one that has seen this sort of shortcoming in Klaus the most often-- and it gets old, and tiring to see. He can only imagine how much more maddening it must have been for Ben, all that time. So, no. He doesn't exactly blame Ben for snapping for being confronted with it. Again.]
No. I mean, you can come. I just meant. you know. In general. It's... good for me. Better for me, sometimes.
God, I don't know, it was... he was jumping at the chance to get high and I yelled at him about it and he ended up blurting out something about how he had been given an entire bottle of Oxy when he first got here by those medbots, but Julie had it.
I called him out, and asked if he really didn't hide some away, and he told me hated me, but he ended up telling me where the extras were and I have them and I'm probably just going to flush them.
But they were exactly where he said they would be, the number he said they would be... I feel like an ass, but it's not like it's easy to believe him after all this time, you know?
He's upset about me not believing him and... I don't know. I want to, I want to be able to trust him, but everything's such a mess.
[That was a lot. He found his word energy again, apparently.]
[ Ben feels like he's been punched in the gut. He gets up and starts pacing even as he is texting back. Maybe he shouldn't go back to the quad just yet. He remembers about Diego's empathy and right now, bringing all his rage in there would probably only make things explosive. Best to keep his distance, out of its range. ]
I knew about the pills already. Not that he kept any. But it doesn't surprise me.
[ It shouldn't have surprised him. He should have thought to check. Ben had been too overwhelmed with being alive again to notice Klaus acting squirrely when he first got them, and he'd been too relieved that Klaus told him voluntarily later to wonder if he was telling the whole truth. Stupid, naive, foolish. Ben knows better. He should really know better after all these years... ]
You're not an ass and he doesn't hate you, Diego. That's the addiction talking. You should flush them. And I'll check the quad for any other stashes he might have, later. We're going to have to watch him carefully while there's all this algae around.
['I knew about the pills already.' From the second those words appear on his screen, they repeat in his head, over and over and over again, like a skipping record he can't turn off.
Of course Ben knew. Of course Diego was the last to know.
He wishes things like that didn't bother him the way they do. But it does. It crawls under his skin and burns into his bones. So small. So throw-away. It shouldn't matter. He knows now, and that should be what counts, but it isn't, it never can be enough just to know, eventually, because every time, all it does is reel back to--
'Not quick enough, Number Two'
'Try harder, Number Two.'
'Speak, Number Two.'
'Maybe next time, Number Two.'
and a slew of others in a long line of incessant remarks of his inadequacy. It was something their father had drilled into him so much and so hard, that even though he'd left as early as he had, he still never managed to shake it.
But. At least he can tamp it down, bite it back and not react immediately on it. Sometimes, at least. And now is thankfully one of those times.]
It doesn't feel like it's just the addiction talking. Okay, consider it done. I know. It's gonna be a big temptation, and he's already gone and fucked with it once.
[ Ben, meanwhile, has no sense at all that being the last to hear about the pills would upset Diego, or set off those old insecurities. To him, it had been the obvious choice, not to pass that information along. Klaus had told Ben because that's the way things have been for so many years, and Ben hadn't told Diego because he wanted to spare him.
So he has no clue, of the turmoil in his brother's mind. Which is perhaps a good thing, since he would perhaps not have as much patience for it right now as he ought to. Klaus is in crisis and who gets to help clean up his mess isn't something to compete over. ]
He doesn't hate you, Diego. Trust me. Klaus has told me he hates me so many times I've completely lost count. The addiction hates you for getting in its way. And Klaus hates himself for disappointing you, but it hurts less to tell himself that you're the only one he's mad it. It won't last. It never does.
Fuck this. I actually thought he was doing better.
[ Joke's on Ben. ]
If he went out and got high that quick it wasn't just ease of access. It doesn't work like that. (I've had to sit through a lot of rehab.) He must have been sad or fucked up in some way that was building and we didn't see it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Welcome to my life for the last decade and a half.
[ It's not Diego's fault he's been in this position a lot fewer times than Ben. It's not Klaus's fault he's an addict. It's not anyone's fault but that doesn't stop Ben feeling angry. ]
Are you asking for advice or are you asking for me to handle it so you don't have to? Just want to be clear.
no subject
Sorry.
No, just advice.
You don't have to do anything.
I'm just... I don't know what I'm doing. I thought.
[He hadn't really thought about how it might be received on Ben's side. From Ben's perspective. How long he'd been stuck in so many similar situations and how awful that might have been to deal with. The anger is obvious, even in texts, and it snapped something in half in Diego, chastising him in a way he didn't know his brother could manage.
Or maybe it had just been so long since he'd had Ben around to be angry at him that he forgot what it was like.]
Nevermind. It's fine.
I'll handle it.
no subject
I don't know why you think I would know what I was doing, either. I obviously never made a difference even though I tried and tried and tried and tried and tried.
[ Ben takes a deep breath and tries to find his chill. He doesn't, but he comes up with a plan: ]
No, I'm not gonna abandon you like that.
You said he's with Julie - where are you?
We should strategize. Not over text.
no subject
I didn't know who else to talk to.
I don't think it's abandoning me, if you just don't wanna deal with something you've dealt with a billion times, Ben.
But... nowhere. Just- the quad.
Text isn't the worst.
[In some instances, he prefers it, actually, thanks.]
no subject
You're right. Texting me was the right call. Sorry I snapped.
Do you not want me to come there? We can text if you want.
Talk to me. You said you guys got into it... what happened?
no subject
[He really, really does. It's not much a comparison, it was still so few and far between, but of all the rest of their siblings, besides Ben, Diego might be the one that has seen this sort of shortcoming in Klaus the most often-- and it gets old, and tiring to see. He can only imagine how much more maddening it must have been for Ben, all that time. So, no. He doesn't exactly blame Ben for snapping for being confronted with it. Again.]
No.
I mean, you can come.
I just meant. you know. In general.
It's... good for me. Better for me, sometimes.
God, I don't know, it was... he was jumping at the chance to get high and I yelled at him about it and he ended up blurting out something about how he had been given an entire bottle of Oxy when he first got here by those medbots, but Julie had it.
I called him out, and asked if he really didn't hide some away, and he told me hated me, but he ended up telling me where the extras were and I have them and I'm probably just going to flush them.
But they were exactly where he said they would be, the number he said they would be... I feel like an ass, but it's not like it's easy to believe him after all this time, you know?
He's upset about me not believing him and... I don't know. I want to, I want to be able to trust him, but everything's such a mess.
[That was a lot. He found his word energy again, apparently.]
That was a lot.
Sorry.
no subject
I knew about the pills already. Not that he kept any. But it doesn't surprise me.
[ It shouldn't have surprised him. He should have thought to check. Ben had been too overwhelmed with being alive again to notice Klaus acting squirrely when he first got them, and he'd been too relieved that Klaus told him voluntarily later to wonder if he was telling the whole truth. Stupid, naive, foolish. Ben knows better. He should really know better after all these years... ]
You're not an ass and he doesn't hate you, Diego. That's the addiction talking.
You should flush them. And I'll check the quad for any other stashes he might have, later.
We're going to have to watch him carefully while there's all this algae around.
no subject
From the second those words appear on his screen, they repeat in his head, over and over and over again, like a skipping record he can't turn off.
Of course Ben knew.
Of course Diego was the last to know.
He wishes things like that didn't bother him the way they do. But it does. It crawls under his skin and burns into his bones. So small. So throw-away. It shouldn't matter. He knows now, and that should be what counts, but it isn't, it never can be enough just to know, eventually, because every time, all it does is reel back to--and a slew of others in a long line of incessant remarks of his inadequacy. It was something their father had drilled into him so much and so hard, that even though he'd left as early as he had, he still never managed to shake it.
But.
At least he can tamp it down, bite it back and not react immediately on it. Sometimes, at least. And now is thankfully one of those times.]
It doesn't feel like it's just the addiction talking.
Okay, consider it done.
I know. It's gonna be a big temptation, and he's already gone and fucked with it once.
no subject
So he has no clue, of the turmoil in his brother's mind. Which is perhaps a good thing, since he would perhaps not have as much patience for it right now as he ought to. Klaus is in crisis and who gets to help clean up his mess isn't something to compete over. ]
He doesn't hate you, Diego. Trust me. Klaus has told me he hates me so many times I've completely lost count.
The addiction hates you for getting in its way.
And Klaus hates himself for disappointing you, but it hurts less to tell himself that you're the only one he's mad it.
It won't last. It never does.
Fuck this.
I actually thought he was doing better.
[ Joke's on Ben. ]
If he went out and got high that quick it wasn't just ease of access.
It doesn't work like that.
(I've had to sit through a lot of rehab.)
He must have been sad or fucked up in some way that was building and we didn't see it.