[ after her first meeting with julie, allison very calmly and nonchalantly texts ben: ]
Hey are there cameras in our room?
[ haha everything's fine haha ben probably just forgot to mention this egregious invasion of privacy there's nothing to worry about right! allison isn't stress-braiding her hair at all nor is she thinking about going to the bar and getting one of those shitty tequila sunrises! nope! ]
[ well, at least they're gone. one less thing to worry about. but to allison, the cameras are only part of the problem.
she debates for a few moments whether or not she should send the next message. she doesn't want to upset ben more than she has to, more than she probably has already. but why not tell her? ben wouldn't just decide she didn't need to know, right? so what's going on? ]
I'm not mad or anything [ a lie! ] but why didn't you tell me?
[ That span of time while he's waiting for Allison's next reply is anxiety-filled and very unpleasant. ]
Honestly? I'm not sure.
[ It isn't as if he had thought about it at length and made a conscious decision after all. It is something that had happened less directly than that.
But Ben knows that must be an unsatisfying answer and so he tries: ]
At first I was just so excited you were here and there was a lot of stuff to get you caught up on. Current dangers that took priority. They were gone for weeks before you showed up. After that, every time I thought about mentioning it I just
[ Ben types couldn't, deletes it, retypes it, deletes it again. ]
didn't. I'm sorry.
[ There's more to it than that. But it's going to take a little bit of sisterly prying, if Allison wants to get it out of him. Ben's always been like that, though. When things are too emotional, too risky, he clams up. He's been working on offering more, opening himself up. But Allison's family. So, in a way, it's harder with her, than it would be with a friend, who doesn't know him as well. Who doesn't have the ability to hurt him as deeply. ]
[ while allison does appreciate that ben is trying to give a real response, to allison, it really just boils down to: he just didn't. she's glad that ben didn't say that he was withholding the information for her sake, like she'd feared. it doesn't seem like ben is trying to keep secrets, and that's a relief. but still, with that response, something can't be right, so allison is still very much concerned. ]
It's okay.
[ she starts with that, and this time, she means it. allison's not mad anymore, but she's still worried. ]
But why didn't you? Did something happen with those cameras?
[ because if it was just cameras, then why not say something? why not warn your sister, so she can be prepared too? did he see something horrible? is there something ben literally can't say? ]
I can tell you the whole story about everything that happened and how we found out about the cameras the next time I see you. It would be a whole lot to type.
[ Besides, Ben knows that's not really the answer she's looking for. She wants to know if something happened with him regarding those cameras. And that question, the concern that comes with it, is what nudges him in the direction of realizing the motivations behind his own actions.
Allison seems worried and caring, but still, his heart is thudding hard as he responds: ]
The truth is, I thought you wouldn't care all that much. They were already gone, like I said, and I guess I assumed you would think it hadn't been a big deal they were ever there.
[ Ben is so grateful for these devices, not only because they let Allison speak to him even while she is recovering from her injuries... but because he isn't so sure he would have the bravery to have this conversation out loud, in person, with Allison right there. He's discovered since he arrived here that some painful conversations are easier with the buffer of text.
Still, even with that distance, it's not easy for him to keep going. This is brushing up against some deeply-rooted stuff. He's digging in some old dirt, here, that's gone undisturbed for many years, while he was a ghost. But since then Allison has grown up. She's a different person now. Ben is so proud of the person she's become.
But almost all his interactions with Allison were with her as a child, and then a teen. That is their precedent. ]
It bothered me a lot, finding out they'd been there. Like, a lot. Way more than I expected. I guess I was worried you would find that silly.
[ The same way she'd found it inexplicable and silly and boring, when things 'bothered' Ben when they were growing up. ]
[ when ben sends that last text, allison too is grateful for these phones, and especially grateful that ben can't see her right now. because after she reads that message, allison puts her phone on the ground and buries her face in her hands. of course the cameras bothered ben, and of course he was worried about her reaction? why wouldn't he be? it's not like she had much empathy as a child, allison tells herself, and apparently she's still lacking in it now. how much hurt could have been avoided if she had just thought for one second about how her siblings felt, growing up? if she had taken ben seriously? if she had paid any attention to vanya?
i heard a rumor you think you're just ordinary.
after some deep breaths, allison sits up, shakes her hair out of her face, and picks up the phone again. this isn't about her, it's about ben. about doing right now, being there for him now, when he needs it. ]
Your worries are fair. I probably would have found it silly, as a kid. I'm sorry about that. For finding your fears silly. They never were silly I just didn't understand [ allison types, then erases: until it was too late ] back then. That's no excuse though. I am sorry.
[ growing up, allison didn't want to fight crime. she needed to, because she needed what came after. the attention, the cheering fans, the adoration. for her, especially as a child, that's what love was. back then, allison couldn't understand why ben didn't want to fight crime, because she couldn't understand not wanting what came after. she thought it meant ben didn't want attention, didn't want love. she knows better now. ]
I do care. I understand why it upset you, finding them here. It's not silly at all.
[ that's not enough, of course. allison doesn't know if she can ever do enough, ever be enough to make it up to him, to vanya, to claire. ]
[ When Allison is silent for what feels like hours (but isn't more than a minute or two) after he explains his thought processes, Ben isn't imagining her holding her face in her hands, overwhelmed with regret. He imagines her offended - maybe only a little, or possibly, a whole lot. He has ample time to turn on himself and feel like an idiot for bringing it up. What is he doing, making allusions - even if they are such oblique ones - to things that are so many years past? It's all done and over and doesn't matter and never did and he shouldn't have mentioned it and he shouldn't have said anything and why didn't he just lie and say he forgot to tell her about the cameras?
He is still in this tumult when her reply comes through, and Ben blinks at it for several long moments until the words sink in. His pulse is racing, even though he's just sitting silently in a corner of the library, texting. But this is fragile, and so important, and long overdue. ]
I'm sorry, too. Back then I didn't try very hard to understand you, either. I thought that you were happy with the way everything was with the Academy, and that everything was so easy and carefree for you, and at some point I decided it wasn't worth trying. I didn't give you a chance to know me.
[ There are so many things Ben had never told her, or anyone, apart from Klaus. How was she supposed to just know what he'd been going through, if he hadn't told her? Sure, she'd seen parts of it. All the killing, all the blood. The Horror. But it had only dawned on him years later (one of the side benefits of all those rehab group therapy sessions he'd sat through with Klaus) how much of it she'd been unaware of. And only then did Ben start to wonder, how much of what she'd been going through he hadn't been seeing, too.
It hadn't been a very comforting thought. ]
I want to change that. I know it wasn't easy for you. None of us were happy. We just coped in different ways. I get that, now, and I should've got it back then. And I know you're not the same person anymore. I'm not, either. I want to fill in all those gaps.
[ There is no time like the present, and so Ben asks what's more urgently on his mind: ]
Did it upset you, finding out there had been hidden cameras? Cuz that really surprises me. I would've thought out of any of us, you were the most comfortable around cameras...
[ allison can't blame ben for having thought that everything was, of all things, easy for her at the academy. it's not like she gave any indication otherwise, at least not obviously. after all, it's not like being in movies was allison's first experience with acting -- not even close. she'd been doing it almost nonstop for years, in order to win reginald's approval, to make it easier for herself. like ben says -- to cope. because if she could pretend well enough that none of the abuse or the neglect bothered her, then it would become true. it would stop bothering her, and then, finally, she'd be strong enough to be happy.
still, the fact that ben didn't see through the act hurts a little. not because of anything he did, not really. it's a regretful feeling, the pain in allison's chest. regret that she didn't do this sooner, that she didn't open up to anyone except for luther, a little. he might have told her everything, but she didnāt always, especially not towards the end of their time at the academy. would things have gone differently, if she had? would she have developed a different relationship with her powers? would she have felt less alone, less susceptible to acting out of sheer loneliness? itās not something that allison wants to dwell on, and she tries to push that feeling deep, deep down. it doesnāt really work. ]
Donāt blame yourself for not getting it. I was putting on an act so much of the time, growing up. So itās not like I gave you a chance to know me, either.
Iād like that. Filling in the gaps. When youāre ready.
[ because it must be hard, talking about what your existence was like as a ghost? as a dead person? allison wants to know her brother, be close to ben in an adult way, a real way that isnāt full of so much lying and posturing and pretending, just to win as many peopleās favors as possible. so many of her relationships have been essentially fakes, but she doesnāt want this to be. but she also doesnāt want to make this harder on ben, who is going through so much, who has gone through so much. allison figures sheās caused enough pain, and shouldnāt cause any more.
then ben asks his question, and allisonās heart beats a little faster. theyāre doing it now. she types slowly, carefully, trying, as always, to get just the right words. ]
Iām comfortable around them when I know theyāre there. And when I know what the person behind the camera wants.
[ because then she can deliver. then she can act. ]
But when I donāt know, I worry that Iām just a tool. That Iām falling for something. Or being used.
[ that part, sheās sure ben understands. she doesnāt need to explain that. but there is something else, another layer to the whole thing. ]
Especially because I know what itās like to use people. I know what it takes. Which makes it feel worse, I guess, when someone tries to pull that shit on me. [ allisonās resolve falters a little. she so rarely says this, so rarely alludes to what she thinks is an inherently evil nature of her powers. and, by extension, an inherently bad part of herself. ]
Does that make sense? [ allison adds, in a rare, public moment of self-doubt. ]
It makes sense. When you know the camera's there, you can choose what to show and what not to show.
[ He gets this, too. How acting had been a natural choice, for Allison, the moment she left the Academy. She'd had so much practice already, tailoring her behavior and every expression to what was wanted by an exacting and unpleasable audience. Ben can see it so clearly. ]
I think we just took two separate paths. You got good at showing what he wanted to see, and I just tried to make myself not show anything at all.
[ Ben thinks Allison will know what he means. How over the years he got quieter and quieter, more internal, more closed-off. He stopped playing, stopped asking questions, stopped expressing curiosity. Spent more of his time burying his face into books and going days without speaking. He can remember the times Allison had tried to coax the fun back out of him. Sometimes she would succeed and he would forget all about all of it and just be full of joy again. Sometimes, no one coaxed at all, but the uglier emotions would spill out. Ben would go from calm and blank and seemingly fine to blackly depressed and despairing in no time flat, without any sign of escalation. ]
We're not going to let anyone use us, here. We have each other, and we're not kids anymore. And it's not your fault, that you know what it takes. You never had a choice not to know that.
[ The same way Ben had never had a choice not to know all the many and creative ways the human body could be torn apart. He'd never had a choice not to know how easy it was to crack bone and rip off limbs. It's just what they were taught. ]
[ allison, on her end, breathes a little sigh of relief, glad that ben understands what she's saying, that she doesn't have to explain herself anymore. and allison knows what ben means, too. she remembers that silence, that withdrawal. how it was worse after "missions," and after "training." how, eventually, a younger allison took it to mean that ben probably didn't want to talk to her, didn't really like her that much. after all, if her own father couldn't really love her, only "the rumor," a fiction, a character he created, then maybe ben couldn't, either. maybe nobody could, or would. so it became all about perfecting the rumor, perfecting that persona. making sure she had the right pose, the right hair, the right look, the right precision. and, in the process, as a way of coping, ensuring that allison and the rumor were two separate entities. one was a person, the other was a role. if no one could love the person, at least someone might be entertained by the role.
allison, in this moment, is finally a little glad that they're having this conversation. it's so, so hard, but so necessary. they're talking about hard things from the past, and unlike that conversation in the cabin, no one is getting angry, or yelling, or pleading, or hurting each other. ]
You're right, we're not. That's a promise. You and I and Klaus have had enough of that.
[ ben might be right that it's not allison's fault for being a liar, a manipulator as a child. she was a child then, and things were different. more responsibility rested on reginald, then.
but afterwards? as an adult? allison was still that person, and she carries those mistakes, that knowledge with her even now. so she can't believe that she's not a bad person. she's believed that about herself for so many years, and while ben's text is appreciated, it doesn't really change how she feels, not yet. ]
Not the knowledge, maybe. I guess what makes a person good or bad is what they do with it, when they finally have the choice.
[ it's too much for allison to name herself here, but the implication there is that she made the wrong choices. that she is that bad person, and that even if she tries to make up for those mistakes, there will be some part of her that always will be. ]
Do you feel like you've been making the wrong choices?
[ Ben isn't going to offer Allison some blanket reassurance that she's never abused her power, that she hasn't misused it in big and small ways that aren't exactly ethical. That wouldn't comfort her, and he is fairly sure it wouldn't be true: at least not for Allison in years gone by.
What he can do is tell her the truth. ]
I already told you I was there, after Dad died. Most of the time, if Klaus was there, I was there. And I think, based on what I saw, you're making the right choices these days. Even if you didn't in the past, you're trying to be a better person now. That matters. A lot.
[ allison know she could cop out here. she could just lie, tell ben that sure, she regrets some stuff from her past (who doesn't?) but that she feels okay about everything now. a big part of her wants to do just that, but she also knows that ben could have done that too, at several points in this conversation. but he didn't. at the very least, allison owes him that respect. ]
Sometimes.
[ she should have never tried to rumor vanya out of that cabin, not while vanya was so vulnerable. that's the most recent regret, but it's also only the tip of the iceberg. ]
What I do know is that I've made some really awful ones, and those I can't make right.
[ and then, her biggest fear: ] What I do now is probably too little, too late.
[ allison isn't sure how to respond to ben's last message. part of her wants to cry, wants to tell him he's wrong, he's wrong, if he only knew. and part of her wants to simply thank him. for being here now. which might be more than what she deserves. after a few moments, she manages: ]
Thanks.
[ worried that that's too sparse, too cold, she adds: ]
Nobody makes the right choices all the time. If they did they wouldn't be human.
I don't believe in too late. And I don't think you're doing too little.
I wouldn't just say that to you if it weren't true. Trust me. Or ask Klaus. I know I wasn't always like this but turns out being dead made me into kind of a judgy hard-ass. If I ever think you're fucking up or not doing enough, believe me - I'll tell you in no uncertain terms.
There's a lot of stuff none of us can ever atone for. A lot lives ruined. A lot of blood on our hands. But that doesn't mean we get to give up and not try.
[ allison lets all the messages come through, lets them sink in. she isn't sure how to respond to the first part. ben has a faith in her that allison thinks she doesn't deserve, and even though ben might be the hardest ass around, now, that doesn't mean he knows the full extent of what she's done. he might think differently if he had.
so she responds to the last part, and writes what klaus probably didn't say as often: ]
You're right.
I'd rather spend the rest of my life trying, if that's what it takes.
[ it's better than the alternative. better than continuing to hurt everyone around her, better than making wishes not to be alone, only to be driven further and further into a different kind of isolation.
then she adds, because this conversation is difficult, and both she and ben could use some lightness right now: ]
I don't think you can chalk it up to just being dead, though. No one reads multiple depressing 600 page novels without getting a little judgy.
[ Reading that, Ben feels - not for the first time - so proud of his sister that he might burst at the seams. Maybe he and Allison hadn't been able to see eye to eye when they were young and trapped together in such an intensely stressful environment, but Ben is so glad they have this opportunity to connect as adults. He really does like the person she has turned out to be. ]
Me, too. I intend to keep on trying, and if you ever see me slipping up, I don't want you to pull any punches, either.
[ The lightness is GREATLY appreciated. Ben actually laughs out loud, and rolls his eyes: ]
Those 600 page novels were the only thing that kept me sane. They taught me more about how to be a good person than anything else in my life.
[ that's a promise, one allison won't have any trouble keeping. it's nice to know that she and ben are in this together -- they're a team again, and this time, part of a healthy team, one that's going to do some actual good, instead of imploding on itself and destroying the world in the process. besides, allison's generally been pretty good about speaking up, has been since she was young. ]
Mmm, guess I can understand that. Same with Teen Trend, honestly, except instead of giving me a moral compass I got absolutely rockin' hair care tips. So just as useful, really.
[ allison chuckles on her end, too. ]
I bet you one read through of a book of your choice that you couldn't get through one issue of a magazine of mine!
Oh hell yes, are you kidding me? I will TAKE that bet.
[ Would Ben read something like that under his own steam? Probably not. But Allison has tapped into that primal sibling reflex of needing to prove your sister wrong when she says you couldn't do something. It's on now. It's so freaking on. ]
You find a magazine and you can sit there and watch, I'll go cover to cover and then you're gonna have to read some Chekov.
[ He's not cruel! He's not going to pick something long! She should be grateful, since obviously he's going to crush this little bet or theirs. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text; @a.h.
Hey are there cameras in our room?
[ haha everything's fine haha ben probably just forgot to mention this egregious invasion of privacy there's nothing to worry about right! allison isn't stress-braiding her hair at all nor is she thinking about going to the bar and getting one of those shitty tequila sunrises! nope! ]
no subject
There were. I ripped them all out. Don't worry, I quadruple checked. Or whatever the word is for doing it ten times.
[ That had been... a very, very bad day. ]
no subject
she debates for a few moments whether or not she should send the next message. she doesn't want to upset ben more than she has to, more than she probably has already. but why not tell her? ben wouldn't just decide she didn't need to know, right? so what's going on? ]
I'm not mad or anything [ a lie! ] but why didn't you tell me?
no subject
Honestly? I'm not sure.
[ It isn't as if he had thought about it at length and made a conscious decision after all. It is something that had happened less directly than that.
But Ben knows that must be an unsatisfying answer and so he tries: ]
At first I was just so excited you were here and there was a lot of stuff to get you caught up on.
Current dangers that took priority. They were gone for weeks before you showed up. After that, every time I thought about mentioning it I just
[ Ben types couldn't, deletes it, retypes it, deletes it again. ]
didn't. I'm sorry.
[ There's more to it than that. But it's going to take a little bit of sisterly prying, if Allison wants to get it out of him. Ben's always been like that, though. When things are too emotional, too risky, he clams up. He's been working on offering more, opening himself up. But Allison's family. So, in a way, it's harder with her, than it would be with a friend, who doesn't know him as well. Who doesn't have the ability to hurt him as deeply. ]
no subject
It's okay.
[ she starts with that, and this time, she means it. allison's not mad anymore, but she's still worried. ]
But why didn't you? Did something happen with those cameras?
[ because if it was just cameras, then why not say something? why not warn your sister, so she can be prepared too? did he see something horrible? is there something ben literally can't say? ]
Are you okay?
no subject
[ Besides, Ben knows that's not really the answer she's looking for. She wants to know if something happened with him regarding those cameras. And that question, the concern that comes with it, is what nudges him in the direction of realizing the motivations behind his own actions.
Allison seems worried and caring, but still, his heart is thudding hard as he responds: ]
The truth is, I thought you wouldn't care all that much. They were already gone, like I said, and I guess I assumed you would think it hadn't been a big deal they were ever there.
[ Ben is so grateful for these devices, not only because they let Allison speak to him even while she is recovering from her injuries... but because he isn't so sure he would have the bravery to have this conversation out loud, in person, with Allison right there. He's discovered since he arrived here that some painful conversations are easier with the buffer of text.
Still, even with that distance, it's not easy for him to keep going. This is brushing up against some deeply-rooted stuff. He's digging in some old dirt, here, that's gone undisturbed for many years, while he was a ghost. But since then Allison has grown up. She's a different person now. Ben is so proud of the person she's become.
But almost all his interactions with Allison were with her as a child, and then a teen. That is their precedent. ]
It bothered me a lot, finding out they'd been there. Like, a lot. Way more than I expected. I guess I was worried you would find that silly.
[ The same way she'd found it inexplicable and silly and boring, when things 'bothered' Ben when they were growing up. ]
no subject
i heard a rumor you think you're just ordinary.
after some deep breaths, allison sits up, shakes her hair out of her face, and picks up the phone again. this isn't about her, it's about ben. about doing right now, being there for him now, when he needs it. ]
Your worries are fair. I probably would have found it silly, as a kid. I'm sorry about that. For finding your fears silly. They never were silly I just didn't understand [ allison types, then erases: until it was too late ] back then. That's no excuse though. I am sorry.
[ growing up, allison didn't want to fight crime. she needed to, because she needed what came after. the attention, the cheering fans, the adoration. for her, especially as a child, that's what love was. back then, allison couldn't understand why ben didn't want to fight crime, because she couldn't understand not wanting what came after. she thought it meant ben didn't want attention, didn't want love. she knows better now. ]
I do care. I understand why it upset you, finding them here. It's not silly at all.
[ that's not enough, of course. allison doesn't know if she can ever do enough, ever be enough to make it up to him, to vanya, to claire. ]
no subject
He is still in this tumult when her reply comes through, and Ben blinks at it for several long moments until the words sink in. His pulse is racing, even though he's just sitting silently in a corner of the library, texting. But this is fragile, and so important, and long overdue. ]
I'm sorry, too. Back then I didn't try very hard to understand you, either. I thought that you were happy with the way everything was with the Academy, and that everything was so easy and carefree for you, and at some point I decided it wasn't worth trying. I didn't give you a chance to know me.
[ There are so many things Ben had never told her, or anyone, apart from Klaus. How was she supposed to just know what he'd been going through, if he hadn't told her? Sure, she'd seen parts of it. All the killing, all the blood. The Horror. But it had only dawned on him years later (one of the side benefits of all those rehab group therapy sessions he'd sat through with Klaus) how much of it she'd been unaware of. And only then did Ben start to wonder, how much of what she'd been going through he hadn't been seeing, too.
It hadn't been a very comforting thought. ]
I want to change that. I know it wasn't easy for you. None of us were happy. We just coped in different ways. I get that, now, and I should've got it back then. And I know you're not the same person anymore. I'm not, either. I want to fill in all those gaps.
[ There is no time like the present, and so Ben asks what's more urgently on his mind: ]
Did it upset you, finding out there had been hidden cameras? Cuz that really surprises me. I would've thought out of any of us, you were the most comfortable around cameras...
no subject
still, the fact that ben didn't see through the act hurts a little. not because of anything he did, not really. it's a regretful feeling, the pain in allison's chest. regret that she didn't do this sooner, that she didn't open up to anyone except for luther, a little. he might have told her everything, but she didnāt always, especially not towards the end of their time at the academy. would things have gone differently, if she had? would she have developed a different relationship with her powers? would she have felt less alone, less susceptible to acting out of sheer loneliness? itās not something that allison wants to dwell on, and she tries to push that feeling deep, deep down. it doesnāt really work. ]
Donāt blame yourself for not getting it. I was putting on an act so much of the time, growing up. So itās not like I gave you a chance to know me, either.
Iād like that. Filling in the gaps. When youāre ready.
[ because it must be hard, talking about what your existence was like as a ghost? as a dead person? allison wants to know her brother, be close to ben in an adult way, a real way that isnāt full of so much lying and posturing and pretending, just to win as many peopleās favors as possible. so many of her relationships have been essentially fakes, but she doesnāt want this to be. but she also doesnāt want to make this harder on ben, who is going through so much, who has gone through so much. allison figures sheās caused enough pain, and shouldnāt cause any more.
then ben asks his question, and allisonās heart beats a little faster. theyāre doing it now. she types slowly, carefully, trying, as always, to get just the right words. ]
Iām comfortable around them when I know theyāre there. And when I know what the person behind the camera wants.
[ because then she can deliver. then she can act. ]
But when I donāt know, I worry that Iām just a tool. That Iām falling for something. Or being used.
[ that part, sheās sure ben understands. she doesnāt need to explain that. but there is something else, another layer to the whole thing. ]
Especially because I know what itās like to use people. I know what it takes. Which makes it feel worse, I guess, when someone tries to pull that shit on me. [ allisonās resolve falters a little. she so rarely says this, so rarely alludes to what she thinks is an inherently evil nature of her powers. and, by extension, an inherently bad part of herself. ]
Does that make sense? [ allison adds, in a rare, public moment of self-doubt. ]
no subject
[ He gets this, too. How acting had been a natural choice, for Allison, the moment she left the Academy. She'd had so much practice already, tailoring her behavior and every expression to what was wanted by an exacting and unpleasable audience. Ben can see it so clearly. ]
I think we just took two separate paths. You got good at showing what he wanted to see, and I just tried to make myself not show anything at all.
[ Ben thinks Allison will know what he means. How over the years he got quieter and quieter, more internal, more closed-off. He stopped playing, stopped asking questions, stopped expressing curiosity. Spent more of his time burying his face into books and going days without speaking. He can remember the times Allison had tried to coax the fun back out of him. Sometimes she would succeed and he would forget all about all of it and just be full of joy again. Sometimes, no one coaxed at all, but the uglier emotions would spill out. Ben would go from calm and blank and seemingly fine to blackly depressed and despairing in no time flat, without any sign of escalation. ]
We're not going to let anyone use us, here. We have each other, and we're not kids anymore.
And it's not your fault, that you know what it takes. You never had a choice not to know that.
[ The same way Ben had never had a choice not to know all the many and creative ways the human body could be torn apart. He'd never had a choice not to know how easy it was to crack bone and rip off limbs. It's just what they were taught. ]
Doesn't make you a bad person.
no subject
[ allison, on her end, breathes a little sigh of relief, glad that ben understands what she's saying, that she doesn't have to explain herself anymore. and allison knows what ben means, too. she remembers that silence, that withdrawal. how it was worse after "missions," and after "training." how, eventually, a younger allison took it to mean that ben probably didn't want to talk to her, didn't really like her that much. after all, if her own father couldn't really love her, only "the rumor," a fiction, a character he created, then maybe ben couldn't, either. maybe nobody could, or would. so it became all about perfecting the rumor, perfecting that persona. making sure she had the right pose, the right hair, the right look, the right precision. and, in the process, as a way of coping, ensuring that allison and the rumor were two separate entities. one was a person, the other was a role. if no one could love the person, at least someone might be entertained by the role.
allison, in this moment, is finally a little glad that they're having this conversation. it's so, so hard, but so necessary. they're talking about hard things from the past, and unlike that conversation in the cabin, no one is getting angry, or yelling, or pleading, or hurting each other. ]
You're right, we're not. That's a promise. You and I and Klaus have had enough of that.
[ ben might be right that it's not allison's fault for being a liar, a manipulator as a child. she was a child then, and things were different. more responsibility rested on reginald, then.
but afterwards? as an adult? allison was still that person, and she carries those mistakes, that knowledge with her even now. so she can't believe that she's not a bad person. she's believed that about herself for so many years, and while ben's text is appreciated, it doesn't really change how she feels, not yet. ]
Not the knowledge, maybe. I guess what makes a person good or bad is what they do with it, when they finally have the choice.
[ it's too much for allison to name herself here, but the implication there is that she made the wrong choices. that she is that bad person, and that even if she tries to make up for those mistakes, there will be some part of her that always will be. ]
no subject
Do you feel like you've been making the wrong choices?
[ Ben isn't going to offer Allison some blanket reassurance that she's never abused her power, that she hasn't misused it in big and small ways that aren't exactly ethical. That wouldn't comfort her, and he is fairly sure it wouldn't be true: at least not for Allison in years gone by.
What he can do is tell her the truth. ]
I already told you I was there, after Dad died. Most of the time, if Klaus was there, I was there. And I think, based on what I saw, you're making the right choices these days. Even if you didn't in the past, you're trying to be a better person now. That matters. A lot.
[ A moment passes, and another message follows: ]
I'm really proud of you for trying.
no subject
Sometimes.
[ she should have never tried to rumor vanya out of that cabin, not while vanya was so vulnerable. that's the most recent regret, but it's also only the tip of the iceberg. ]
What I do know is that I've made some really awful ones, and those I can't make right.
[ and then, her biggest fear: ] What I do now is probably too little, too late.
[ allison isn't sure how to respond to ben's last message. part of her wants to cry, wants to tell him he's wrong, he's wrong, if he only knew. and part of her wants to simply thank him. for being here now. which might be more than what she deserves. after a few moments, she manages: ]
Thanks.
[ worried that that's too sparse, too cold, she adds: ]
I mean that. What you said, it means a lot.
no subject
I don't believe in too late. And I don't think you're doing too little.
I wouldn't just say that to you if it weren't true. Trust me. Or ask Klaus. I know I wasn't always like this but turns out being dead made me into kind of a judgy hard-ass.
If I ever think you're fucking up or not doing enough, believe me - I'll tell you in no uncertain terms.
There's a lot of stuff none of us can ever atone for. A lot lives ruined. A lot of blood on our hands. But that doesn't mean we get to give up and not try.
no subject
so she responds to the last part, and writes what klaus probably didn't say as often: ]
You're right.
I'd rather spend the rest of my life trying, if that's what it takes.
[ it's better than the alternative. better than continuing to hurt everyone around her, better than making wishes not to be alone, only to be driven further and further into a different kind of isolation.
then she adds, because this conversation is difficult, and both she and ben could use some lightness right now: ]
I don't think you can chalk it up to just being dead, though. No one reads multiple depressing 600 page novels without getting a little judgy.
no subject
Me, too. I intend to keep on trying, and if you ever see me slipping up, I don't want you to pull any punches, either.
[ The lightness is GREATLY appreciated. Ben actually laughs out loud, and rolls his eyes: ]
Those 600 page novels were the only thing that kept me sane. They taught me more about how to be a good person than anything else in my life.
no subject
[ that's a promise, one allison won't have any trouble keeping. it's nice to know that she and ben are in this together -- they're a team again, and this time, part of a healthy team, one that's going to do some actual good, instead of imploding on itself and destroying the world in the process. besides, allison's generally been pretty good about speaking up, has been since she was young. ]
Mmm, guess I can understand that. Same with Teen Trend, honestly, except instead of giving me a moral compass I got absolutely rockin' hair care tips. So just as useful, really.
[ allison chuckles on her end, too. ]
I bet you one read through of a book of your choice that you couldn't get through one issue of a magazine of mine!
no subject
[ Would Ben read something like that under his own steam? Probably not. But Allison has tapped into that primal sibling reflex of needing to prove your sister wrong when she says you couldn't do something. It's on now. It's so freaking on. ]
You find a magazine and you can sit there and watch, I'll go cover to cover and then you're gonna have to read some Chekov.
[ He's not cruel! He's not going to pick something long! She should be grateful, since obviously he's going to crush this little bet or theirs. ]
no subject
Oh yeah? Deal.
Prepare to lose, nerd. ššš š¤§š¤”šš